Expecting after loss . . . 

I have promised to do a little blog post after we announced our good news after our 12 week scan (I’m into my 19th week now). Truth be told I have had so many DM’s and people messaging about their journey and how they hadn’t seen or weren’t long following us that they had only discovered about my ‘Silent Miscarriage’ and I have been having so many conversations behind the squares I just had not got around to finishing this. For those not aware of what a silent miscarriage is I have linked my blog post on this HERE.
The messages were overwhelming and like I have said before for me sharing everything helped hugely and actually talking to people who had been through the same thing or who were going through it with me helped.
Unfortunately though it made me realise just how common it is yet I found comfort in not being alone and hope in others stories of finding our light at the end of the tunnel.
It certainly made us even more grateful for already having Sam and actually I was content all was well with our family. Although we hoped to give Sam a brother or a sister we decided to not focus on that and instead focused on our own wellness I suppose, seeking new starts after not being happy in my job for some time and being made redundant gave me the push I needed to start the new year with a clean slate and the weekend before starting my new job at the end of January I discovered I was expecting.

We were delighted and did not expect it to happen again for us so quickly as we were not focusing on it at all. It wasn’t ideal timing starting a new job but I think everything happens for a reason and there is never a perfect time to have a baby, there is always an event, occasion or something that has to be worked around. We were just thankful that we were expecting however it was and is a VERY different journey after loss.
I suppose for the first few weeks I was in denial. We were able to get an early scan in Lagan Valley hospital and to be honest I wasn’t expecting good news. I had myself geared up for the worst. Only Chris and I knew and I told him not to come with me. I don’t know why I was being so weird but I think I was building up barriers before anything bad even happened.
I was 7/8 weeks at this point and so at Sam’s second birthday party we told both of our families after cutting the cake. No one had any idea and were obviously delighted for us but I remember not even being confident then. In fact I said ohh ‘Sam has news for you all he is hopefully going to be a big brother in September’.

I was much more aware than the ignorant bliss of our first journey with Sam wasn’t something I would have again. It made me feel even more for anyone who is denied that having suffered loss before birth. I am not taking away the heartache of loss for those who do suffer it after already having a child but I just know for me Sam was a huge distraction and focus to just move on with things.
Up until our 12 week scan I sort of felt it wasn’t really happening. I wasn’t allowing myself to believe it or think ahead but once we had our scan I did relax more, start to talk to Sam about it more and let the barriers down. I do still feel on edge and I suppose you are always waiting to get to that next milestone. With your second child there are less hospital visits and check ups so it’s been difficult not having reassurance at times but I have started to feel those precious butterflies in my tummy and little kicks which are the most comforting thing.
We have our 20 week scan at the end of the month and all being well from there on it will just be a case of soaking up as many memories with Sam on his own before we become a family of four. It’s just hard to not feel edgy about things this time and to wonder if our luck has run out as we are already so blessed with Sam and a healthy family.

One thing is that we know how strong we are for facing everything and that we feel that we are the lucky ones. There are people much worse off, still trying for a baby, not able to conceive, facing an IVF journey, in the midst of adopting and the jumps they have to go through for that. The stories people have shared with me which I have been privileged to have been told have been heartbreaking. Some ladies have told me about loss even their sisters and friends don’t know about. For me sharing was a weight lifted and I do encourage it. My DM’s are always open and I have tried my best to reply to every story and give it the time and reply it deserves so thanks for bearing with me.
Thankfully my pregnancy has been much like Sam’s in that I haven’t been ill just extremely tired but I think that has more to do perhaps with working full time, running after a 2 year old and running a household. It hasn’t wavered much so I just need to slow down a bit when my body tells me to.
Being in denial for a long time I didn’t even take ‘bumpies’ were with Sam I had the apps, the books and knew what size of fruit I was each week. This time I am taking it all week by week and have only start to record ‘bumpies’ to compare with my pics of my Sam bump.
Perhaps that’s just a time thing second time around? Or I just haven’t wanted to get excited but now I am feeling the kicks I have this wee one fighting away and letting me know they are ok it’s easier to believe it’s all real this time. I do think it’s taken until now for me to trust my body again after I felt like it lied and tricked me so much the last time.

Anyway I am probably just rambling now. I certainly don’t want this post to be a sob story or anything. I just had so many asking for updates and sharing their own journey I thought I could answer some bits in one post. I hope I haven’t offended anyone in this post by sharing my opinions. They are just that my feeling and opinions. My heart goes out to anyone suffering a loss for the baby who never made it home, those who cannot conceive or who are trying for that rainbow baby, I really hope you find light at the end of your tunnel.
Tara x
The other frequently asked questions are ….’Are you going to find out what your having?’ ‘Are you hoping for a girl this time?And ‘what if it’s a girl will you change your name from Sisters and Sons?
To answer those:
1. No we aren’t finding out as I loved the surprise last time and some people have told me if you do it’s like opening your Christmas presents early (and I the little rascal that I was hoked to find my Santa surprises before the big day and it just wasn’t the same!)

2. I feel the same and I can only really see myself with a boy now as it’s all I know. A girl would be lovely but I really don’t mind either way. Healthy and happy is all I wish for.

3. No I can’t really be bothered changing it and Kerry feels the same. I think it’s annoying for followers to have to re-learn a new name and as sister is in the title if it was a girl they would be a sister so that’s close enough for me.


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